Variety of thoughts, n.1
Last January I decided to track different data points in my life: when I woke up, what I ate, several ratings (how tasty the food was, my mood, anxiety, the weather), as well as one beautiful thing and one "thought": a topic to occupy myself with that day, to think about while I was cycling somewhere. This January, I wanted to work out some of these thoughts, so this is that.
Jan One: How does desire affect our imagination?
I used to fantasise about receiving my PhD while wearing a pink Coco Chanel suit, but I've come to realise that these fantasies do not fulfil my actual desires. It would be a brief moment of recognition, but is that truly the reward I want? Or, do I want to create something which I think is meaningful and beautiful, regardless of what someone else thinks? Not to pet my ego, but for the sake of creation.
This is everything. On the one hand, this has a very simple answer: we cannot desire what we cannot imagine; therefore, our desires are limited by our imagination. But if we can expand our imagination, will we expand our desires? Or, on the other hand, if I imagine some of my desires, does that in some way lessen them?
(I believe this is one of the problems with daydreaming, that thinking about the act in some way already satisfies your mind into believing you have performed the act)
I have already written a whole thesis about imagination and nihilism, which goes into the question: if everything is relative, all categories are figments of our imagination, how can we find the will to do anything? Imagination is a double-edged sword; it can turn everything into a grey sludge if used with reductive intention OR it can open every possibility and transform everything.
Yan II: Competition in the contemporary world: if everything is relative, what determines winning?
Recently, I read The History of Magic by Chris Gosden, and I would like to pull a quote from it:
"Greek society was individualist and competitive, and many have seen Greek magic as an attempt to harness the cosmological powers to one’s own advantage. An expert on Greek magic, Esther Eidinow, takes a slightly different view, seeing this as a culture of anxiety, generated by the unpredictable nature of relations with the world and between people. The writing of spells against others is driven too by negative emotions such as phthonos (‘envy’)."
The other side of individualism & competition: anxiety and distrust. I'm not going to draw an obvious parallel; what I'm more interested in is if it's possible to hold on to the sense of "victory" and at the same time let go of competitive desires. It's good to complete things, it's fun doing new things, but oh, isn't it great when you're better than others? I don't really care how fast I run, but it feels good when I run faster than someone else. On the other hand, it doesn't necessarily feel bad when someone else runs faster than me, as I try to run not to be the fastest, but for the enjoyment of running.
Because everything is translated into data now, it's easier than ever before to compare yourself to others, and even in a semi-objective way. It's not worth it. Comparison is the thief of joy, etc., they didn't come up with these phrases for fun.
At the same time, it's also good to challenge yourself, to do things you know you didn't do before, and numbers might be useful to do that. I'm also constantly thinking about this question in the context of art: I think some art is better than other art, but why? It isn't necessarily about the hours put in or how talented the artists are, is it? At art school, they didn't give us grades to protect our feelings, but maybe with a different perspective, this wouldn't seem so coddling. Question the reason why we give people grades in the first place; why should we rate everything on a scale from one to ten? How do you defend the difference between something given different grades, especially if the thing in question is somewhat subjective, like writing or art?
I don't know, it's not like looking at one tree and giving it an 8 and another a 9. Some trees have qualities that resonate with me more than others, and I think this is the case for everything. Perhaps in terms of grading an essay, there are questions regarding what the assignment is and does this essay fulfil that, but even that can be subjective; but people aren't supposed to play with the norms.
In some ways, I think our age of extreme subjectivity is oppressive, as to me, it demands originality at every turn, but as I'm trying to think through it now, it's even worse to try to hold yourself to some arbitrary standard. What makes you happy, what do you think is good, and why? These are more important things to worry about than x is good because it fulfils y conditions. Perhaps y can be a useful tool to analyse something, but it should not define x. blah.
January THREE: Aristotle thought the heart was the thinking organ
This is a good meditative thought. It's easiest to access when your heart is racing: movement, love, anxiety, anticipation, drugs, etc., whatever you prefer. If I'm just sitting there, as I am now, I find it harder to access. Sometimes we think we are our eyes. I wonder how it is for blind people, or even more specific, someone who is both blind and deaf. So many of our senses are centred around the brain, what about smell? At the same time, if I think about this thought enough & become more aware of my heart, I start to believe it more as a possibility. I understand why ancient societies thought this was the case. You dissect a body, and the heart is at the centre of everything. But phenomenologically, I think it's strange: I locate my consciousness in my brain, and while I "am" also the rest of my body, it's not something I become aware of unless I think about it.
In some ways, the heart is a thinking organ, although more in the way that it's reductive to say our whole being can be found in the brain. We are our whole body. It's not always helpful to create a binary between 'feelings' and 'rationality', the heart and logic. It gives you a false sense of control if you think everything you do comes from the brain, that you are a purely rational being. We are not. You are shaped by the past and the future in ways that 'you' cannot yet anticipate, as your experiences influence your perception of the world in ways that cannot be articulated fully.
Therefore, I think this is one of the best thoughts to have from time to time, it's very grounding, both physically & mentally. What does it mean for the heart to be a thinking organ? How do my feelings affect my thoughts? How do I really feel? Do I feel good? Will I feel good if I continue doing this?
